While 2020 was devastating on so many levels it gave me the biggest blessing of my life...becoming a mother to Hugo. Navigating motherhood at the same time as a pandemic also put so much into perspective for me. I have learned the importance of stillness and being fully present, the wisdom in impermanence and the freedom that comes from letting go of expectation.
How do I arrange words to describe what 2020 meant to me? I will start with these two - life changing. When the clock struck midnight one year ago I remember thinking…hindsight is 2020…so what will that make this year? Ha! 2020 brought most of us to our emotional limits and challenged us in ways we never imagined and yet I believe even if last year brought many of us more bad than good — much of it was a lesson in disguise.
As a child I had a habit of calling out things that were “unfair” and my dad always had the same response — “too bad, life’s not fair.” Tough words for a child, but that advice has served me well through the years and helped me adjust to the crazy normal of 2020. Sure the last year wasn’t fair, but I refuse to believe it was ALL bad.
For me it has been a year of incredible introspection, global consciousness crystallized together by a common threat. It of course has also been a year that has brought us all to our emotional limits — the thousands who have lost loved ones to COVID 19, the ever-present daily anxiety brought on by the pandemic, the financial impact, being separated from family and friends, the lack of face to face interaction…it goes on and on. It’s been overwhelming and while becoming a mother at the same time has tested my emotional resolve, it has also been the perfect antidote to this toxic year.
Before I go further I must say that while I have not lost anyone to COVID-19, a very close family member was diagnosed earlier this year and is still being impacted by the long-term side effects of this awful disease. This post is not in any way meant to diminish the incredible loss of life that has come with this year. My heart goes out to every single family impacted by COVID-19 and I can assure you my own family has gone through an emotional roller coaster. My intention is simply to share with you what has come to light for me in the last 365 days.
In the final weeks of 2020, I was happy to see social media explode with all the silver linings from the last year. When you start looking for the positives you might be surprised to realize they are abundant. Collectively the last year brought to light our incredible capacity for community and selflessness, highlighted the immense privilege many of us carry and how we each need to use our voices to speak out against injustice.
The change of pace brought on by 2020 has given me space and awareness to really listen to my inner voice. When you stop and truly pause you’ll be surprised by how much your own heart has to say. So before I get into some of the lessons I will carry on into the New Year, take a few deep breaths and get still. Once you feel at peace ask yourself this — what did I learn in 2020? Whether it's a lesson, a realization or even a reminder I am sure there is some wisdom that will serve you well in 2021.
Stillness
When I was a kid I secretly loved it when a windstorm would rip through Victoria and take the power out. Everyone in the house forced to come together and just talk. No tv, no cooking, no lights - just candlelight and conversation. Forced simplicity. In a way, I think 2020 was like a global power outage — a communal slowing down and I have to admit my body has been craving this for years, but I wasn’t listening.
The restrictions of 2020 forced me to slow down and I have to admit this drastic shift is what my soul needed most. My life changed dramatically in the span of months. I went from being constantly on the go at the beginning of the year….waking up at 3 am every weekday and broadcasting the news to thousands of people to sitting at home watching the world I knew get turned on its head as I waited for my son to make his entrance into the world. It was a shock to the system and those first few weeks were difficult. I had major FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). I wanted to be covering the biggest story on our planet, but I also knew that I needed to step back from work and keep myself and my unborn baby safe. As the weeks went on I let myself relax into this new normal and it started to feel good. My husband was working from home and I quickly came to realize what a blessing it was for us to have that time together, just the two of us, before we became a family of three.
Soon Hugo arrived and my attention was of course devoted completely to him and all his infant needs. The first few months felt like a sleep-deprived blur, but now that I am feeling human again I am realizing that having fewer “to-dos” (outside of taking care of a baby) on my plate is something my mind and body had been craving for a while. Listen, Hugo keeps me busy from morning to night — but it's a different kind of busy — nurturing him can be physically exhausting, but it feels good for my soul. Perhaps I had been stretching myself way too thin…waking up in the middle of the night, working all day, fitting in a sweaty workout right after leaving the newsroom, running errands, making dinner, getting a bit of rest and then going to sleep and doing it all over again. To some degree this had been my routine for nearly 15 years — and the sudden shift to stillness and fewer commitments has been liberating.
I am so grateful for all the extra time I had with my husband before our son arrived in May — and for all the uninterrupted time I’ve had with Hugo. No one dropping by, no obligations — just me focusing on Hugo and learning how to be a mother. I am finding so much joy by simply being present with him. Whether I am reading him a goodnight story, having a glass of wine with my husband after a long day, video calling with family or going for a socially distanced walk on the seawall I am making it a point to truly be present and listen. I find myself constantly wishing I could stop time or slow down a moment, as I learn how to indulge in stillness.
Letting go of Expectation
As I already mentioned I feel the biggest blessing and lesson of 2020 came from becoming a mother. I imagined a very different start to my son’s life. I had visions of him being showered with hugs and kisses, visits with friends and family celebrations. I didn’t foresee myself becoming a mother during a global pandemic and also having my support system stripped away.
It’s been heartbreaking on so many levels - Hugo’s Oma and Opa in Germany have yet to meet their first grandchild, my parents are so afraid of putting Hugo at risk that they’ve always worn a mask around him, Hugo’s cousins haven’t been able to play with him and on top of it all, I am constantly worried about the possibility of exposure. And while I could continue to list all the ways that motherhood became even harder, I have instead decided to accept my introduction into this new chapter of my life with an open heart.
I wholeheartedly believe this is just the way it was meant to be for me. Every time I cave into the pull of expectation, my heart fills up with disappointment. So instead I am choosing to lean into joy and reminding myself of everything I have to be grateful for.
Impermanence
In times of adversity and even joy, I have always reminded myself of the laws of change - the only thing in life that’s permanent is impermanence. It’s taught me to soak in every last drop in times of joy and has provided me with hope in darker days. Nothing lasts forever, instead, it is perpetually changing. For me this year really solidified the wisdom in impermanence.
Whether it's your way of life, your job, your health, your finances — as 2020 has taught us everything can change in an instant. I had moments of deep sadness, frustration and even anger that our lives and my baby’s first year of life had been turned upside down by a virus — and then I reminded myself of impermanence. Yes, COVID-19 has impacted us all — but the moment we find ourselves in right now will change — this too shall pass, right? So instead of fighting whatever it is that’s bothering you, let it happen. When I let myself relax and give up the urge to struggle against the current, I find myself floating in harmony with reality.
Looking ahead
While 2020 was disastrous, it hasn’t all been bad. In fact, I believe this year has brought into focus some of my most important life lessons. Insights that only could have come into focus, set against the backdrop of a tumultuous year.
Will you look back on 2020 and crave the stillness it has brought? As much as I am looking forward to face-to-face communication, hugs and not having to avoid physical contact, I for one, know that I will miss the cocooned comfort this year has brought. Spending hours playing with my son, knowing I don’t need to be anywhere else.
I am looking ahead to the fresh start that 2021 brings — promise in a vaccine, hope for brighter days — and perhaps a clearer heart guided by insight gained in the last trip around the sun.