I don’t know who needs to hear this, but can we please stop asking women and couples when they are going to have children? This topic comes via request following my last post on miscarriage — with many women reaching out to me wishing people would stop asking about their reproductive plans. Full disclosure, there is dissension within my own family on this topic, so I understand some will argue it’s a harmless question, but I vehemently disagree.
Before I get to all the reasons why I don’t think you should ask, I want to preface it by saying that for myself there were some exceptions. The only people who I was comfortable having this conversation with were my mother, my sister and a few of my best friends — that’s it. The only reason I was open to this question from any of them is because they already knew everything about my life, so it likely would have been part of our ongoing conversations. Really, anyone else asking me when Chris and I were going to have children made me extremely uncomfortable and I am going to wager a guess that this is probably the same for most women.
So in the interest of brevity lets get right to the reasons why you shouldn’t ask when a woman or a couple is going to have children:
They are actively trying, but don’t want to tell you
Cue the awkward response. It’s not entirely up to them, it’s up to mother nature. If someone is actively trying to get pregnant the last thing they want is someone asking them when they are going to have children. They probably want nothing more than to share the news of a pregnancy, but they’ve potentially spent month after month trying with no success. Trust me, asking this question only highlights the biological battle they are facing.
They are experiencing infertility
Infertility has been on the rise for decades and according to statistics from the Government of Canada the number of couples who experience infertility is estimated to be 16% or roughly 1 in 6 couples - a number that has doubled since the 1980s. They are likely thinking about and wishing they could get pregnant just about everyday, so you can imagine how painful a question about children would be.
They are going through IVF
I do not have personal experience with IVF, but I know several couples who have gone through the process and from what I understand it is a gruelling emotional rollercoaster. Not only do they have to deal with the uncertainty of conception, but there is round after round of invasive procedure, followed by uncertainty and of course the financial toll. The last thing they need is the stress and pressure brought on by questions.
They’ve had a miscarriage
The latest estimates suggest that up to 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, with the majority of those happening in the first trimester before most have shared the news. This means many of your colleagues, friends and even family members have had a miscarriage in silence. I had countless people ask me when my husband and I were going to have children around the time of my miscarriage. Each time the question was like a knife to the heart. I would think to myself…if they only knew the agony I’m in right now they wouldn’t ask. I would flash a fake smile and either try to change the subject or give a vague answer. I know each time the question was well-intentioned and came from a place of genuine curiosity, but all it did was lead to more pain. You don’t want to be the person who asks a woman when she is going to have children right after she had a miscarriage.
They aren’t ready to have children
The decision to have children is probably the biggest commitment you can make in life and it certainly shouldn’t have to follow a timeline. I’m sure I am not alone when I say that I needed lots of time to work on my career, travel and just take all the time I wanted for myself before becoming a parent.
They don’t want children
Does this one really need much explanation? Newsflash, not everyone wants to have children and they shouldn’t be forced into giving you an answer and then feel the need to justify their decision. Please respect people’s decision not to have children — not everyone wants to be a parent.
It’s none of your business
Last but not least — it’s really none of your business. Maybe we should add ‘When are you going to have children’ to the list of other extremely personal questions one shouldn’t ask like: How much money do you make? When are you getting married? How much do you weigh? The details of ones personal life, should be just that, personal — unless of course they decide to share with you.
Let all these reasons be a reminder that everyone around you is facing a battle you know nothing about, so please be kind and toss that personal question aside. You may think your question about having children is harmless, but for the person on the receiving end it can lead to unnecessary pain.
Sources:
https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/fertility/fertility.html
https://www.healthlinkbc.ca/health-topics/hw44090
https://sunnybrook.ca/content/?page=wb-early-miscarriage-information