As a continuation of my last post, I would like to share some of the most important steps which aided in my emotional recovery after my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. These were actions I was either guided towards by friends or took instinctively. Some of them overlap a bit, but I have done my best to narrow it down to 6 key steps that helped me the most. My journey towards healing might not look like yours, but I hope that you’ll at least find some of this useful.
1. Reiki
Reiki is a Japanese alternative energy healing technique and it was the first step I took. My former spin class instructor Megan Jane Soutar had recently started her own Reiki practice and while I had little understanding of what it was, I decided to give it a try. When I saw Megan for my first session I remember telling her through all my tears that my mind and body felt like they were operating separately. She knew exactly what I meant and over months we worked on that reconnection while also strengthening my intuition and letting go of self-limiting beliefs. It was a very healing time for me and I don’t know where I would be without it.
2. Meditation
During this time of healing, I created a meditation ritual that I continue to practice before I go to bed. It starts with lighting incense, getting cozy in bed and listening to a guided meditation (I use the Headspace app, but free apps like Insight Timer also provide a myriad of meditation options). Following months of practice, I developed greater control over my thoughts and a strong connection to my intuition. I also began having the most vivid intuitive dreams of a happy baby boy. I knew in my heart it was a higher spiritual message letting me know that my little blessing was just waiting to meet me. I had countless dreams of this baby and the crazy thing is, Hugo looks exactly like the baby I dreamt of. What I learned in those months is that all the answers I was searching for were already within myself. Mediation gives me an incredible sense of peace and also did wonders for my sleep.
3. Talking
In the months immediately following my miscarriage I couldn’t even say the word without choking up, so it took me about a year to really open up to those in my circle about my loss. With each conversation, the grief began to feel lighter and lighter and the tears also slowed down. Speaking about my miscarriage essentially chipped away at its strength. When I look back, I wish I’d had the courage to start talking about it sooner because I think my journey through grief could have been much shorter if I’d opened up.
4. Exercise
As I mentioned earlier, I experienced a disconnect between my mind and body, so part of that reconnection meant getting to a place where I was ‘in’ my body again and for me, that meant vigorous exercise. I have always enjoyed a good sweat and was already doing high-intensity interval training twice a week and cardio two to three times a week, but I needed something different. First I thought it might be yoga, but I needed something more intense so I decided to take up running again. The runner’s high is no joke. I started with 5km jogs a couple of times a week and slowly built on my endurance. The sense of accomplishment and flood of endorphins was therapeutic. I was enjoying it so much that I decided to sign up for my first half marathon and gave myself 6 weeks to train for it. In hindsight, I could have used a little more time, but the Scotiabank Vancouver Half Marathon was right around the corner and I needed a goal within sight to focus on. When the day came for the half marathon I was full of butterflies…but once I hit the pavement I felt empowered. So much so that I actually started crying two kilometres into the race. I was so proud of myself for all that I had been through in the past year and for creating a goal and sticking to it. The outcome of the race didn’t really matter at that point as long as I crossed the finish line. I pushed through and after 2 hours and 12 minutes I had done it.
5. Practicing Gratitude
It was hard for me to see how much I have been blessed with in my life during those dark days following my miscarriage because I was focusing on what I didn’t have. A friend who I hadn’t seen since elementary school came back into my life in a rather poignant way. That meeting forced me to step outside of myself and look at my life as an outsider — and it totally changed my perspective. For the first time in a long time, I realized how much I have to be grateful for. I know this sounds cliche, but focusing on gratitude shifted my entire outlook and with the added bonus of mediation I started to feel emotionally lighter and more positive.
6. Giving myself permission to move on
I think this may have been my most important step towards healing. I was having a conversation with my Reiki healer Megan and she asked me if moving on would feel like I was dishonouring the child I’d lost. Her question pierced my heart…that’s exactly how I felt. The grief that I was holding onto began to feel like comfort — a way to stay connected with the pregnancy that I’d lost. She suggested that we do a little ceremony to say goodbye. It consisted of a guided mediation and writing a letter to the child I never got to meet. The final step was to take that letter, seal it, say a prayer and then burn it. At first, this sounded ridiculous to me, but I decided to follow through and the truth is it gave me the closure I needed.
Recovery and healing is such a personal process and in no way am I suggesting the steps that I took will work for you. Everything I listed above came together over more than a year and took months of persistence before I saw any results. I had to get quiet and listen to my heart to understand what it needed to heal. To keep the conversation going please comment below with steps you found useful to recover from grief -- whether it be from miscarriage or another loss.